A distinction that is essential for healthy relationship building, as well as avoiding needless “drama” and unnecessary problems in our interactions with others. Because we human beings do virtually everything we do in community with others (family, work, civic, social, spiritual) we are continually making, managing, keeping (and sometimes falling down on) promises. Understanding this fundamental distinction – and its impact on trust and on our ability to cultivate healthy, enjoyable relationships – is a starting point for lasting improvements in many areas of our lives.
Promises Broken vs. Silent Expectation Unmet
We see with our eyes, but we observe through our distinctions. Distinctions allow us to see what we previously could not or did not see… and to then take actions we did not previously take… leading, of course, to Results we did not previously produce. Many of us are indeed seeking to produce these new Results in our lives: more peace, less stress, and more enjoyable and authentic relationships.
To this end, I offer a fundamental and very powerful distinction:
Not operating with this distinction almost always takes us away from the fulfilling, authentic, enjoyable relationships we say we want.
If you break a promise, the other person has legitimate grounds to make a Responsible Complaint. When we don’t manage our promises, we damage relationships as well as our own public identity. Break enough promises and you will soon find that many people will not want to spend time with you, and many of your relationships will be extremely precarious.
But if you simply don’t fulfill a silent (unspoken) expectation, the other person has no leg to stand on regarding a complaint. We cannot read each other’s minds… in this situation, no promise was broken at all. You just simply didn’t spontaneously do what he or she desired. Here, he or she may certainly make a Request… but not a complaint. I believe there are many people walking around offended because other people didn’t spontaneously do what they expected them to do! This obviously impacts their relationships in a negative way – and it doesn’t have to be this way.
The word “expect” comes from a Latin word that means “to wait”. Not a very powerful orientation – waiting. There’s nothing wrong, of course, with expectations…. as long as they’re held as expectations and not as a debt someone has to you!
Do you have clear awareness of this distinction? Do others in your life? The invitation is to begin making effective requests and clear commitments as the basis for doing everything with others… and to minimize the extent to which you use assumptions and expectations in your personal and professional relationships.
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I’m Chalmers Brothers, Certified Personal Coach. Since the mid 1990′s, I’ve provided powerful personal coaching for men and women from all walks of life, including business owners, leaders, managers and employees – as well as those not working outside the home.
Let me be your personal coach to help you strengthen your ability to be, do and have what’s most important to you – including your ability to achieve a healthy balance of peacefulness and productivity in your life. If you have a suspicion that at times you may be getting in your own way and have begun to think that there may be things you don’t see now, but if you did see, could make a big difference – I look forward to building a coaching relationship with you.
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